Peugeot 2008 Forums banner

1 - 20 of 60 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Starting with some jokes...hope to continue with others.... :)
One blonde girl in intersection with a blank A4 paper in hands...the police is stopping her:
- What are you doing here?
- Cannot see I'm driving an A4 ????

One Romanian guy is going to doctor as he cough a lot...The doctor asks:
- Do you smoke...??
After a moment of hesitation, Romanian says:
- You better offer me a drink...

From Good-Bad-Fatal:

GOOD: You decide no longer have children.

BAD: Do not find your birth control pills.

FATAL: You found it in your daughter purse.


GOOD: Your son always do their homework in his room

BAD: find a lot of porn in his room.

FATAL: You are the protagonist.


GOOD: Your husband knows about women fashion.
BAD
: He wares your clothes.

FATAL:The clothes look better on him


GOOD: Your son was grown.
BAD
: It sleeps with your neighbor

FATAL: You too.

GOOD
: Your daughter has finally found work.
BAD
:She's prostitute.

FATAL: Your colleagues are the most loyal customers.


GOOD: You try to explain sexology to your daughter.
BAD
: She always interrupt you.

FATAL: And corrects you.


GOOD: Your wife is not talking to you.
BAD
: She wants a divorce.

FATAL:She's alawyer.


GOOD: Your son had the first "rendezvous".

BAD: With a man.

FATAL: He's the best friend of yours.


GOOD: Your wife is pregnant.
BAD:
triplets.

FATAL: Three years ago you've done vasectomy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Husband and wife
go on vacation
in
Jerusalem
,
and having
an
accident, the
wife
dies.
The guide
explains
amiable
to the
husband
possibilities
for
wife's
funeral
:
-
Would cost
$ 5,000
to
send
the body home
on a boat
or
she can be
buried
here
for 150
dollars.
-
I think I'll
choose
the first option
(
answer
husband
)
-
Why?
you can
make
her
a
beautiful
ceremony
here
and
more
cheap!
- This
is where
a
man died
,
they buried him, and
after
three days
he resurrected!
I do not want
to
risk!
Two
roosters
speaking
...
- Lets go
at
the grocery store
...
-
Wtf
do
we do at
the grocery store
?
!
-
Stupid
...
we
look at naked chicks...!



If you are planning to visit the UK and happen to come from one of the many countries that drive on the wrong side of the road, the following advice, direct from the Ministry of Transport, is for you: "Visitors are informed that in the United Kingdom traffic drives on the left-hand side of the road. In the interests of safety, you are advised to practise this in your country of origin for a week or two before driving in the UK." :))))))))))))))))))))))))


Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
And some funny pics...










Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
WOMAN'S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Definition of a Kiss:"Insist in upper side to open the lower side.."

One terrible accident between a vehicle and an caravan...Following the accident
, the horse
and
carters
are
hurt pretty bad
.
A police
appear immediately
at the accident scene
and
saw
the horse
struggling...
in
a fit of
mercy
,
itshots him
in the head.
Then
heading to
carters
,
with the gun
in hand,
asks
:

- A
re
you
hurt?

-
No!
No!
God forbid!
I never
ever
felt so good
!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
An Arabis walking through the desert...50 meter ahead is his wife...At one moment, he meets another Arab that, very upset, is asking him: -What are you doing Ahmed? OurBible (Coran) says that the woman must walk 50 meter behind the man, not IN FRONT ofhim !!!
- You are right my friend, but when they have written the Coran, here was not a mine field !

Alinutza (a small girl) with her mother on the beach:
- Mom, Mom, why I don't have between my legs that thing that boys is having????
- Patience, darling...Patience...

- Can a woman make a man millionaire ?
- Yes, if he is billionaire !

A knight that was preparing to go in a crusade, is calling his best friend:
- Here you have the key from my wife's chastity belt! If I don't came back in 3 year, you can have it!
..and he left...
After one hour of walking, his friend followed him in a rush:
- Stop! Stop! You give me the wrong key!

On woman's day, one employee is getting to his boss a big bucket of roses:
- Boss, Happy Birthday, for you the biggest bucket of roses!
- Stupid, are you crazy? On woman's day you give flowers to woman! I have the face of a woman???
- No Boss,...but still you are the biggest ***** from this institution !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
The new Password Protector for PC and MAC (All, is for you :)))) )











Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
How do you escape from Mad cow disease ?Divorce!

A naked beautiful girl is arriving in a bar, asking for a whisky...
The bartender is looking very persistent to her...visible annoyed, the girl is asking him:
- What are you staring at me? You never seen naked girls?
The bartender answer:
- This is not the problem...I wonder from where you will take the money out to pay for the drink...

At a pool, the lifeguard is yelling at a little boy:
- STOP pissing in the pool!!!!
- But everybody is pissing in the pool!...says the little boy...
- Maybe, but none of them is pissing from the higher trampoline !!!


From marriage in countries:
Holland: You have two girlfriends...You can marry both...They can marry each other.
Moldavia: You have two girlfriends...From you is that noise every night, man???
Russia: You have two girlfriends...Stalinskaya and Moskovskaya (vodkas)
Pakistan: You have two girlfriends...the oldest one is 6 years old
India: You have two girlfriends...Budha does not know about them
Turkey: You have two girlfriends...One is cocking, one is washing laundry, one is ironing, one is watching the other 3
China: You have two girlfriends...because of a billion reasons...
Bulgaria: You have two girlfriends...One is Sofia...the other is asking where you were...safer is Sofia
Germany: You have two girlfriends...both blondes
Mexico: You have two girlfriends...The thief's stole one...Your neighbor gives you one...You borrow 3 from the bar next door...The neighbor ask for his GF back...How many GF remained?
UK: You have two girlfriends...You are drunk...again...
USA: You have two girlfriends...One is on Facebook...One is on Myspace...never seen them
Dubai: You have two girlfriends...Plated in gold
Cuba: You have two girlfriends...you are not Fidel...
Sweden: You have two girlfriends...In IKEA you can find everything!
Spain: You have two girlfriends...Later you discover they are sisters...and you are their brother dead at birth...You also have one more brother disowned by the mother's keeper...that does not remember anything from his past life...Your life is a soap opera...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
The new sofas for mother-in-law and Bosses arrived...start your orders...









Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
-When the economy will collapse in all the world?-When Chinese people will start using tablespoons!


The nephew sees his grandpa in cold, without pants...standing still...
-Grandpa, why are you here in cold? without PANTS?Is freezing !!
- Ask your grandma! Yesterday I have staid without shirt, and my neck remained stiff...

One cop with radar stops a driver for speeding...
The Cop says to the driver:
- You know, I had a feeling that today I will give you a fee, so I have waited...
-I know, I rushed as fast as I could !


The Boss is sending his employee in Brazil...
Empl: -What???? Brazil??? But there is only soccer and prostitutes !!!
Boss: What? My wife is from Brazil !!!!!
Empl: Really?..... At what team she played soccer?

What is the last wish of a convicted to dye by electric chair?
- Everybody hold my hand !!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Womenare like parking lots:- the good ones are taken, the free ones are for handicapped ...

My wife is kissing me every night I arrive home...
-Wow...this is true love!
-No...is Investigation !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
506 Posts
George, you are getting worse!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Nooo, don't want to believe someone this is racial jokes... :)Must be seen as 100% jokes, with no intention in making this a debate regarding men, women, black, and so on... :)
Only regarding gold fishes, cats, rats, and so on... :))))
If someone is offended or feels that a joke is addressed to a person, delete the joke...I don't feel offended if someone is joking about me...but never know who is on the other side :)

PS. Jokes about drunk people and priests...is anyone priest here? don't ask about drunk people...as I occasionally have a nice bottle of "grape residue in liquid form after evaporation" :)))))

Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
A unknown nationality man is going to a "house of pleasure"...- I want a girl, but I need to tell you that I am extremely sadistic ! But I pay any amount...
Themattress is taking him in a luxury chamber..
- At me the payment is in advance. I've heard that you are very sadistic, so the payment is 2000euro!
The man is taking the money out of his pocket... -Here!
-Ok, payment is OK. Now, how sadistic you are?
- First I make s*x with you, than I beat you, then s*x with you, than I beat you....
- OMG...Until when????
- Until you give me the money back !


One
guy he
meets a
friend in hospital,with
bandaged
all over
, full of
bruises
,
a broken leg
and
black eyes
.

-
What
's wrong
?
Youhad an accident with
a truck
?

- No ...
it's because of
my new
hobby.

-
What
hobby?

-
Every night
,I
call
3 numbers
randomly
and
say
"
Loser
,
guess
who
is here?
"

-
And
?

-
This week
3
guessed
it
!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
A young man
burst
into a
pharmacy
:
-
Please
give me
my money back.
Condoms
which I
've
bought
here
are bad
and break
.One old man who stays in row:

-
He's right!
and also bend !!!
...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
The ex president of Romania, Iliescu, arrives at a hotel in London...he calls at "room-service" and say: - TU TI TU TU TU TU !!
Nobody understand nothing...desperate, they ask Romanian embassy to help with translation...The official translatorcame and finallyis translating:Two tea to 222 !

Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
One peasant selling apples:- Cernobil apples...Cernobil apples...
One potential client approach him:
- Are you stupid? How do you want to sell if you say "Cernobil apples"??? (radiation contaminated)
- What do you say? Isoldalmost all of them...for mother-in-laws, for bosses...


Success is like pregnancy...Everybody congratulate you, but they don't know how many times you were f**ked....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
One accountant have trouble sleeping...he goes to a doctor...-Doctor, I can not sleep!
- Have you tried to count sheep's?
- Well...this is the problem...every time I start, I make a mistake...and I need even 3 hours to discover where it was...


- My uncle was a congressman...once was on a podium, sustaining a speech...and the podium collapsed...
- And what happened ?
- Nothing, the rope between his throat kept him just fine...


- Dear, we are married from 10 years, and I noticed we make love only when you need money...
- And you think this is not very often? Because it can be arranged....

One child at 1am with his mother:
- Mammy...mammy...tell me a story...
- Wait for your father to show...and we will hear a good story from him....

Love is blind, but marriage cures it...


The father is arriving home with a kid from school...Mother:
- OMG ! This is NOT our child !!!!
- So what? Anyway we get him inthe morning in thesame school...

The secret of perfect marriage remains...a secret...


The courageous man is that one that arrive at 3AM at his wife, smelling like woman cheap perfume, with kiss marks all over his face, sees his wife in door with the jaws strongly pressed and one stick in the hand, and screams at her:
- Don't worry !!! You areNEXT !!!


One British study shows that all man go out for few drinks because:
1. They are not married.
2. They are married.

Edited by: george2104
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
What is the difference between police and wind?Police is beating harder...

What is the difference between a cow and an ox?
The ox is smiling when you try to milk it...

One little girls to her mother:
- Mammy, why dad is bald ???
- Because he is very clever !
- And why you have such long hair???
- Shut up and eat !!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
398 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Ata ball with 21's old:- Are you dancing, Miss?
- Let me ask my mother...
- Then ask her if you make sex also, to save one trip...
 
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Top