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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........
 

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Wives are like magicians.

They can change anything into an argument..........and I know!!
 

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"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with "once upon a time"?"

"No", I replied.

There are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with "If elected, I promise I will............!!
 

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My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

”My dick” is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest.
 

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At a strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming
 

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The New Generation will never believe the story about the STORK

The little boy goes to his father and asks, Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said!!!!!!!!!

'You Got Male!
 

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A woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and

decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch

in the living room.


She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

"Hello Darling."


The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later

Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.”
 

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An old dear goes to the doctors and said she has a discharge, so he said strip off and jump up on the bed.


During the examination he said it was all nice and clean down there.


She replied..."Doctor...it's my ear..."
 

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A woman takes the baby to the Doctors. She says "Doctor, the baby's not feeding".


The Doctor says "Take off your bra and let me examine you.


He cups her breasts and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...then wobble, wobble, wobble...then flap, flap, flap..."Your breasts are empty...there's no milk in them" he says.


The woman replies " It's my sisters baby...I just brought her in."....
 

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An Englishman lies dying; his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.

Now close your eyes”.
 

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Doctors have just identified a food than can cause suffering for years after it has been eaten.

Its called Wedding Cake.....
 

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When my wife and I arrived at our local Peugeot dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, this ones open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' :lol:
 

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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
 

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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
 

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A couple wanted to place an ad finally announcing the birth of
their first child after a long wait.

When the wife returned from the newspaper offices her husband
asked how much the ad was, she replied "£500".

"What", he said, "why so much?".

"Well," she answered, "he asked how many insertions and I said
three times a week for two years"
 

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If you are going to make a face mask out of a bra make sure you use the left one , if you use the right one you will look a right tit
 

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If you are going to make a face mask out of a bra make sure you use the left one , if you use the right one you will look a right tit
If you do use the left cup make sure you take it out with you otherwise when you're asked where your face mask is you'll have to respond `left tit at home`
 
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