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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
These are so bad, they're good....


They're crackers:



Q: What do elves learn in
school?

A: The
Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular
wine at Christmas?

A: "I don't like
sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes
foot, what do astronauts get?

A:
Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when
you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A:
Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little
helper depressed?

A: Because he had low
elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3
gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.


Q: Where do polar bears
vote?

A: The North Poll.


Q: What do you get when you cross an
archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon
hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for
the winter ?

A: Because it's to far to
walk.

Q: What kind of bird can
write?

A: A
PENguin.

Q: What do
you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus!

Q: What
nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North
Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get
such good mileage?

A: Because it has
long-distance runners on each side.

Q:
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in
a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer!

Q: What do snowmen eat
for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.


Q: If Santa Clause and Mrs. Clause
had a child, what would he be called?

A:
A subordinate clause.

Q: Why did the
elf push his bed into the fireplace?

A:
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why
did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?

A:
Becausean angel had said, "No L!"

Q:
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas
Eve?

A: Because it " soots "
him!

Q: What do you call people who
are afraid of Santa Claus?

A:
Claustrophobic.

Q: How come you never
hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas
just like a day at the office?

A: You do
all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.

Q: What was so good
about he neurotic doll the girl was given for
Christmas?

A: It was wound up
already.

Q: What's a good holiday
tip?

A: Never catch snowflakes with your
tongue until all the birds have gone south for the
winter.

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Edited by: allan40alt
 

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A Very Happy Christmas to you all and a prosperous, healthy and safe New Year
 

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Big Groan at Al's Christmas cracker jokes.

Happy Christmas all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one
minute.

Always up for a challenge I thought I'd give it a go.

I
managed three and then I choked on aminiaturesewing
kit.

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Christmas cracker motto -
What do a pelican and toocan and the tax man all have in common?






They can all stuff their bills up their backsides

Ho Ho Ho
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<b style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 17.7600002288818px; : rgb251, 251, 253;">What carol is heard in the desert?""¨[/b]<div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 17.7600002288818px; : rgb251, 251, 253;">

<strong style="line-height: 1.48em;">O camel ye faithful!What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?""¨Cross Mouse Cards!What athlete is warmest in winter?""¨A long jumper!What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?""¨Tinsilitis!What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?""¨Nice gnawing you!Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?They keep loosing their needles!What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?""¨Jingle Smells!What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?""¨Mistle-toad![/b]
 

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Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?

A Mince Spy!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·



1 WHAT happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">He made a laughing stock of himself.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">2 WHAT goes ha ha ha clonk?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">A man laughing his head off
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">3 WHY is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">They have two left feet.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">4 WHAT is the definition of an American Bra?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">One yank and it's off
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">5 WHAT'S six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">Money.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">6 A MAN goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">And he replied: "It's OK, I'll give you some cream for that."
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">7 WHY did the hedgehog cross the road?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">To see his flatmate!
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">8 WHAT goes up and never comes down?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">Your age.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">9 WHAT do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her brain? Divorced.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">10 WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">A sour puss!
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">11 WHAT did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">Yes, but only on one conditioner.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">12 WHAT happened to the blonde tap dancer?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">She fell in the sink.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">13 WHAT did the Policeman say to the stomach?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">You're under a vest.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">14 WHAT do you give a man who has everything?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">Antibiotics.
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">15 DID you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
<br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;"><br style="font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal; : rgb251, 251, 253;">He's fully recovered.













Edited by: allan40alt
 

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Not been able to post on here for a while due to problems with my computer, hopefully it's now sorted.Anyway I'm pleased to now be able to wish you all best wishes for a very happy Christmas and new year.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
What do you call an underground train full of professors?




A tube of smarties.
 
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