Merry Christmas

allan40alt · Dec 7, 2014

These are so bad, they're good....

They're crackers:

Q: What do elves learn in
school?
A: The
Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular
wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like
sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes
foot, what do astronauts get?
A:
Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when
you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A:
Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little
helper depressed?
A: Because he had low
elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3
gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears
vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an
archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon
hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for
the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to
walk.

Q: What kind of bird can
write?
A: A
PENguin.

Q: What do
you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: What
nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North
Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get
such good mileage?
A: Because it has
long-distance runners on each side.

Q:
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in
a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer!

Q: What do snowmen eat
for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: If Santa Clause and Mrs. Clause
had a child, what would he be called?
A:
A subordinate clause.

Q: Why did the
elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A:
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why
did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A:
Becausean angel had said, "No L!"

Q:
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas
Eve?
A: Because it " soots "
him!

Q: What do you call people who
are afraid of Santa Claus?
A:
Claustrophobic.

Q: How come you never
hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas
just like a day at the office?
A: You do
all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.

Q: What was so good
about he neurotic doll the girl was given for
Christmas?
A: It was wound up
already.

Q: What's a good holiday
tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your
tongue until all the birds have gone south for the
winter.

Edited by: allan40alt

Pilot · Dec 8, 2014

A Very Happy Christmas to you all and a prosperous, healthy and safe New Year

burty · Dec 10, 2014

Big Groan at Al's Christmas cracker jokes.

Happy Christmas all.

Pilot · Dec 10, 2014

REDFEEL · Dec 14, 2014

merry christmans!!!

allan40alt · Dec 15, 2014

Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one
minute.

Always up for a challenge I thought I'd give it a go.

I
managed three and then I choked on aminiaturesewing
kit.

Evader · Dec 15, 2014

Christmas cracker motto -
What do a pelican and toocan and the tax man all have in common?

They can all stuff their bills up their backsides

Ho Ho Ho

allan40alt · Dec 15, 2014

What carol is heard in the desert?""¨[/b]<div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 17.7600002288818px; : rgb251, 251, 253;">

O camel ye faithful!What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?""¨Cross Mouse Cards!What athlete is warmest in winter?""¨A long jumper!What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?""¨Tinsilitis!What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?""¨Nice gnawing you!Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?They keep loosing their needles!What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?""¨Jingle Smells!What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?""¨Mistle-toad![/b]

Frank Bullitt · Dec 17, 2014

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?

A Mince Spy!

allan40alt · Dec 18, 2014

1 WHAT happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy?
 He made a laughing stock of himself.
 2 WHAT goes ha ha ha clonk?
 A man laughing his head off
 3 WHY is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
 They have two left feet.
 4 WHAT is the definition of an American Bra?
 One yank and it's off
 5 WHAT'S six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
 Money.
 6 A MAN goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
 And he replied: "It's OK, I'll give you some cream for that."
 7 WHY did the hedgehog cross the road?
 To see his flatmate!
 8 WHAT goes up and never comes down?
 Your age.
 9 WHAT do you call a woman who has lost 95 per cent of her brain? Divorced.
 10 WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
 A sour puss!
 11 WHAT did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo?
 Yes, but only on one conditioner.
 12 WHAT happened to the blonde tap dancer?
 She fell in the sink.
 13 WHAT did the Policeman say to the stomach?
 You're under a vest.
 14 WHAT do you give a man who has everything?
 Antibiotics.
 15 DID you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
 He's fully recovered.

Edited by: allan40alt

Pugmania · Dec 19, 2014

Not been able to post on here for a while due to problems with my computer, hopefully it's now sorted.Anyway I'm pleased to now be able to wish you all best wishes for a very happy Christmas and new year.

allan40alt · Dec 22, 2014

What do you call an underground train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

chribonn · Dec 22, 2014

Hope you have a jolly Christmas.

allan40alt · Dec 28, 2014

....Oh; and a very happy new year:

Start the year off with a smile.

[url]http://vimeo.com/m/5865798[/b]
[/url]

Edited by: allan40alt

Merry Christmas

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